Torn
by jendapetals
Summary: Why bother wasting sleepless nights, if he's not returning to Kamui's side? Oneshot. Subaru/Kamui. drama/angst. PG


AN: The pretty boys and their angsting, like that's shocking anymore. Like always, CLAMP owns all, i don't. Hope you enjoy.

...

The room was dark as expected, not even the moonlight penetrated through the tight blinds. The room only had the basics, a small bed, nightstand, drawer, chair, and lamp. Anyone would have thought that the room was never used, except for the tiny body that curled under the sheets of the bed. The only sound came from that curled bump, a low, steady breathing, and the occasional sigh that was released as the boy twisted under the sheets.

Always the restless sleeper, Subaru mused lightly, fondly looking at the troubled sleeper. He tapped his cigarette, the ashes falling on the hard wood floor. He took a hard drag before mismatched eyes returned to the sleeping Kamui. It hadn't been hard to sneak into the house, it was nothing a little illusion couldn't fix, and it had been easy really.

A small grin warmed Subaru's lips as he saw Kamui toss, clutching his pillow in tight fists. He recalled when Kamui used to wake up from his nightly nightmares, shaken, paled, and sweating, those slender arms always seeking the warm comfort of the Sumeragi. Those arms would clutch at Subaru, and he would hug back reassuringly--he would always be there for Kamui.

But where was he now, when Kamui needed him the most? He dropped the cigarette on the floor and smothered it with his heel, his third of the night. Quietly he made his way to Kamui's bed. He didn't know why he did this. He knew that looking at the boy would fill him with a gnawing guilt that would bother him for days; he had failed the boy--the one person who need Subaru more then anyone, his anchor in the turmoil, and Subaru had failed him, left him off to sink in the ocean of abyss. Yet here he was, gazing down at slender youth who was being tormented even in his sleep. He should be more ashamed of himself to even attempt wanting to be close to Kamui again, after betraying him.

Slender fingers reached down to touch the feathery black hair, the silky strands ran through his fingertips. Subaru admired its softness as he drank in the sleeping boy. Kamui must have been exhausted when he came into the room, since his clothes were stewed across the room and he'd crawled into the sheets in only his boxers.

He sighed, "I'm sorry Kamui, I tried," his apology sounded so vain, only the walls hearing its plea. They were useless words that meant nothing, the harm had been done.

Subaru knew that he had hurt Kamui in another way, aside from leaving him to take Seishirou-san's place; he had seen Kamui's whole heart that night when he woke up in the hospital after losing his eye. He had seeing something in those tired eyes of the youth that held his hand, something that made him uneasy. He hadn't realized why he had been so terrified whenever those eyes would gaze at him with a desperate longing, he wanted to ignore that sheen that radiated from them whenever those eyes locked with his, and he would quickly look away.

He hadn't wanted to admit to himself that Kamui had feelings for him and it puzzled that anyone in their right minds would. But someone had, someone was willing to love him for what he was and accept his flaws.

Subaru couldn't accept that type of affection; it terrified him to think that his heart could be capable of feeling for someone that way. Nine years had dulled his heart, the idea of being able to feel anything for anyone seem barbaric. Yet, Kamui had managed to invade, squeeze his way through the shadows, and snuggle a place in Subaru's heart and latched on for dear life.

And Subaru wasn't comfortable with that, how can anybody want to be involved with him? Long ago his heart had been claimed by the memories and pain of his past, of Seishirou-san—and that's where it belonged. There was no love he could give—he couldn't give love to himself, how could he to another man, other than the Sakurazukamori?

He knew that he couldn't love Kamui the way the boy deserved, he would always be second best to him—Kamui didn't deserve to have his leftovers, the boy was precious and wanting desperately for someone to give him all of the affection he wanted, Subaru just wasn't the one.

_But why was he here? _

Subaru would ask himself that question every night, why did he sneak into Kamui's bedroom, staying until the wee hours of the night watching him sleep, why? He didn't know why he tormented himself, he knew that visiting the boy made his guilt deepen, but here he was, every night like clock work.

After he had taken the position of the Sakurazukamori, Subaru expected to cut out all connections of his former life and dedicate his energies to this new one—the youth had no place in his life anymore, he didn't want to drag him down to the mess of his life. It was best for him to leave Kamui alone, but he had failed. Something kept pulling him back to the boy, something he couldn't name made him sneak into his room at night.

Subaru perched gently on the edge of the bed; Kamui was unfazed by the slight shift of the mattress. Kamui was on his back, his breathing was evenly, but there was still a slight frown on his face.

There was a part of Subaru that couldn't let Kamui go, as much as he tried to put distance between himself and the youth; he couldn't. He reached to rest his fingers lightly over Kamui's hand. He missed touching something warm—the only warmth Subaru felt these days was when his hand would stab through his target's chest, the hot blood staining his hand that was the only warmth he felt anymore.

_But with Kamui, he could_—he quickly derailed that train of thought.

He couldn't drag the boy down with him, this was his mess to live through, and Subaru refused to hurt Kamui anymore than he already was—no good would come of that.

There was a part of Subaru that hated the solitude that entailed with his new job, he never liked being alone—all of the people that he had loved had left him, and Subaru disliked ever minute of it.

He knew Kamui was in a similar position as well, the boy had no one really, the Fuuma he wanted to save never existed,—he was in love with a memory of someone that wasn't real. Subaru smirked at his thought, wasn't he in love with Seishirou-san for the same reason?

One thing that he and the youth had in common, loving someone that never existed—how sad was that?

He leaned down to press his cheek very gently against Kamui's, he knew he was pushing his limits, seeing how far he could venture before Kamui stirred out of sleep. He kept his breathing steady and low, testing his self-control.

He inhaled the faint scent before he drew away; Subaru remembered the time when Kamui smelled of faint cigarette smoke, results from hanging around him. But now, that scent was gone, like he was.

He shouldn't be here; Subaru debated whether or not to shake Kamui awake…and what? He didn't know what he was going to say and he was terrified of explaining to Kamui why he left him for so long and why he was in his room again.

Then again, he didn't want to leave feeling as empty as he felt right now, he wanted to see Kamui again, he want to see those eyes again. He knew that seeing them again wouldn't fix anything, just worsen his guilt. But he just wanted to…

Gently he reached out and grasped Kamui's shoulder, pausing a second before continuing, he shook gently, leaning over the boy's ear, "Kamui…wake up,"

Kamui let out a low moan, shifting to his side, facing Subaru, still unruffled. Subaru frowned, he was being an idiot,—he should just leave. His hand warmed on the tender shoulder, "Kamui…it's me."

The same moan was the reply; slowly one weary violet eye looked up at him. His brow creased, "Subaru?"

Subaru just stared, unsure of what to do next, "Yes, it's me…"

Kamui yawned, "How…can you be here?" he stretched before sitting up. Disbelievingly he reached to touch Subaru's face. He resisted the urge to squirm back at the delicate touch; he wasn't used to being touched by anyone other than Seishirou-san…it felt odd having those slim fingers run over his face, but it was pleasant. "Are you real? No, I'm just—just dreaming…yeah, just a dream," Kamui sighed, "You abandoned me."

Subaru winced at those three words, but he couldn't deny it—he did leave Kamui.

"Why…are you here?" Kamui whispered, his hand cupping Subaru's thin face. The older man closed his eyes, shrugging slightly,

"I don't know," and that was his honest answer, he didn't know why he was here, and didn't bother to come up with a good lie—Kamui wouldn't had believed him anyways. Dull eyes stared back at puzzled violet.

"That's not really an answer Subaru," Kamui blinked, rubbing his face, "So…why are you here?"

"I don't know why," Subaru repeated, "I just thought that…that…"

"Subaru," Kamui yawned, resting his head on his palm, "Why now, in the middle of the night?"

Subaru blinked, "I didn't want you to know I was here,"

"Uh, yeah, that didn't turn out great, now did it?" weary eyes met with tired amber and green, "You shouldn't be wasting your time spying on me,"

"How did you know?" Subaru looked down at his blood stained hands—as much as he scrubbed, the tinge of red always remained.

Kamui smirked, shifting closer to the dark figure on his bed, grasping its hands, "The cigarette butts I find every morning on the floor are a dead give away," his fingers locked with Subaru's, "A-are you back…for good?"

Subaru stared, "I don't know…"

"Subaru, there are other words in the alphabet than 'I don't know,'" Kamui snapped but saw the slight flash of hurt in the other's eyes, he soften his tone, "I'm sorry Subaru. But why are you here at night, when I can't see you?"

He exhaled, accepting Kamui's fingers lacing with his own, "Its better this way,"

"What, sneaking into my room in the middle of the night?" Kamui blinked.

"I didn't want you to see me—to get your hopes up," Subaru replied in a monotone, looking away.

"Oh," Kamui let out softly, slipping his hand away from Subaru's tight hold. The other looked at him, his brow creasing when he saw Kamui move away from him, bangs shielding the disappointment. "Another thing to lose hope for,"

"It's better this way—for the both of us." Subaru replied, the sudden tension making him crave a cigarette. Kamui looked up at him, a sardonic, little smile adorning his face. It looked eerie in the moonlight.

"Better for me? Or for you?"


End file.
